total fantasy (family)
last night i had a dream that i confronted my father and step-mother about their physical and emotional abusiveness while we were growing up, in a very direct and in-your-face way. it is something that i might or might not do, depending on the circumstances, but i probably would be nervous and trembling when i did it. so that was a bit of a fantasy; not that i haven't done it before, but it was mostly in written correspondence.
long ago i got some form of apology from my step-mother, but only within the last few years have i got an apology of any sort from my father. i had to pull it out of him. i must confess that he only deigned to issue it after first insisting that he had and after i mocked him for not doing so. still, i was tremendously grateful and glad. it helped me to forgive him.
the biggest fantasy is that it was in person and that it turned into a genuine conversation with them about it. my step-mother is much more capable of such a conversation than my father. frankly, it is something that i can't imagine my father ever doing. he is one of those men whose conduct is fully of bluster and righteousness and certainty but whose male ego is in reality so fragile that he is psychologically incapable of acknowledging that he might be wrong or might have done something wrong. in some ways he's a very sad old man. but he's still my father, so i have the kind of relationship with him that he can manage - as long as it is respectful of me.
long ago i got some form of apology from my step-mother, but only within the last few years have i got an apology of any sort from my father. i had to pull it out of him. i must confess that he only deigned to issue it after first insisting that he had and after i mocked him for not doing so. still, i was tremendously grateful and glad. it helped me to forgive him.
the biggest fantasy is that it was in person and that it turned into a genuine conversation with them about it. my step-mother is much more capable of such a conversation than my father. frankly, it is something that i can't imagine my father ever doing. he is one of those men whose conduct is fully of bluster and righteousness and certainty but whose male ego is in reality so fragile that he is psychologically incapable of acknowledging that he might be wrong or might have done something wrong. in some ways he's a very sad old man. but he's still my father, so i have the kind of relationship with him that he can manage - as long as it is respectful of me.
