my cheating heart (relationships)
I was going to cheat on my boyfriend today. I mean, I have cheated on him several times before in that I have had sex outside of the relationship. However, all of those other times it was basically a one-time, casual sex thing. This time would have been different.
I have chatted online with this guy a number of times. We made plans to hang out and go to the beach together, and have sex somewhere along the way. I have never maintained an ongoing personal or sexual relationship with someone with whom I had also cheated, and have never cheated on him with someone with whom I had already developed a personal relationship. When I called the guy to finalize the arrangements, he didn’t answer the phone. I got online to see if he was around but he wasn’t, so we didn’t end up getting together.
Between the time that I made the date with him and we were actually supposed to get together, my boyfriend and I had a conversation about the state of our relationship, and he surprised me with some of his insights into our dynamics. I found myself feeling hopeful again. It troubles me that I can vacillate so quickly between feeling hopeless and feeling hopeful about our prospects. When I am feeling hopeless, I don’t think twice about having sex with other people. After all, we hardly have sex anyway. I think we have had sex once in the last month or so, and that was last night. I might not have as much sexual energy as I used to, but I have more than that schedule would demand.
After our conversation, followed the next day by our having sex, I was feeling guilty about the plans I had made with the other guy. How could I relate to him in a “dating” kind of way after having found renewed hopefulness for my relationship, and even having had a sexual release as well? I had a little trouble sleeping. I like the guy from what I have got to know about him online, and thought I might go through with the beach date and just not have sex with him. I didn’t know if it would work out that way in the end, but I decided to meet up with him anyway. Then he stood me up.
Things always seem to work out like they are supposed to – but now I don’t know what I will do when I see him again online. He has a girlfriend. I thought at the very least it would have been nice to get to know him better and to talk about our situations, which alone would have made for interesting conversation.
