"impressions" (family, money, society, culture, travel)
I went to my boyfriend’s mother’s house for Christmas. She lives outside of Sao Paulo, where he grew up from around age 10 until around age 20. Several of his siblings and their spouses and children were also there. His father lives in Bahia.
My boyfriend was talking about how some of them are such hicks. You wouldn’t know that he grew up poor. He’s considered Black here, although most people are a shade of brown and he’s more like medium dark brown. Brazilians like to tell themselves there is no racism here, but it permeates society and in some ways is worse than in the U.S. But he is manager of a high-end retail store in one of the ritziest neighborhoods in Rio, and makes a decent good living. He has so much more than his family had when he was growing up. There were at least 10 children and his parents living in a tiny, three-bedroom shotgun shack. I’ve been to visit; I’ve seen it.
I grew up relatively poor, too, but we had so much more than most people making the same amount of money. We had only so much to eat at every meal, but we always had something to eat. We had hand-me-down clothes, from the sibling next up in line or from relatives. My step-mother managed the church rummage sale every year, so we always got first pick of what was donated, in exchange for her time and a small donation. I worked from the time I was 11 years old and paid for many of my own clothes. I bought myself my first bicycle, my first camera, my first watch, and many of my school supplies. My step-mother taught us how to mend our own clothes, and we did. She was a budget whiz, so we managed to do things and have things that others didn’t.
I never wanted to look poor, so I never wore clothes that had holes in them or stains on them. To this day I won’t do it. And despite having had a chunk of change in my pocket a few times, like when I was laid off from a job and got a severance package, and when I sold a life insurance policy because I was expected to die soon, I still struggle financially.
Today I survive on government disability payments, but I still don’t look or act poor. I'm White, so for many people there is an automatic assumption that I'm at least middle class. I fly around the country and around the world. I spend almost a month each year visiting my best friend and her two dear daughters (my “nieces”, who are closer to me than most of my blood relatives) and husband and extended family in Connecticut. I usually manage to find train fare and a place to crash in New York for a few days as well. I manage to get to other spots, to visit other friends and family, once a year or more; if I am able to cover the airfare, they are usually able to cover everything else.
I spend about half of the year in Rio. People don’t realize that the cumulative airfare that I pay is cheaper than the cumulative rent I would pay – at least in San Francisco, which is the only home base I have in the U.S. – and that I am dependent upon my boyfriend in Rio for food and shelter most of the time. My father was brought up in the household of his grandparents, and his father was a college professor, which in those days was rather upper classy. Manners were also very important to my step-mother, although she too grew up poor. Our mentality was not that of poor people, but was much more than of the upper middle class despite our financial situation. That was our family culture. Besides, I’m smart and have a master’s degree and am fairly well-read.
It’s just like having HIV or AIDS. (I don’t know if I have AIDS or not, whether or not I was ever officially diagnosed.) I don’t “look sick” and I don’t have the disfiguring side effects that some people have from the so-called miracle medications, so you wouldn’t know to look at me. I am pretty skinny and some assume that I am sick as a result, but they don’t know with what, and in fact I have always been quite skinny. Not that I want people to know, or that I want to look poor, or that I want people to pity me. But it’s pretty sobering to think about the assumptions that we make about others based on their behavior or appearance, and how far that can be from the truth.
