"getting off" (relationships, sexuality)
I’m in a “sexless marriage”. As someone who loves sex, I never thought it would be like this. The thing is that my boyfriend wants sex, and I guess I do, too. I just don’t want it with him. He bores me in bed.
First of all, he has very little sexual experience and has lots of hang-ups about his body and body parts, although some of that has diminished with time. Worst of all is that he is incredibly selfish. It is all about his getting pleased and his getting off. His typical invitation to have sex is, “Get me excited” (or the English equivalent, anyway, since he’s speaking in Portuguese). Don’t get me wrong: it is not said like a command but as a sweet request. Nevertheless, it does give you an idea of where his head is at regarding to the whole thing.
He takes little to no initiative to get me excited and get me in the mood, nor to keep me excited and interested during the process. I have even said to him in the moment things like, “You have hands, too”, or “I have a dick, too”, and so on. It is a one-way street with him, and I’m not the kind of person who responds well to always having to be the aggressor even if I am usually the “top”. He seems to want to lie there and be “done” as opposed to being involved in a mutual event. It’s a turn-off always having to do the work. It becomes a job, and one that I resent.
Another problem is that I have to repeatedly tell him what I like and don’t like—more what I don’t like. Why would I have to tell someone the same thing over and over again, for six years, and he still can’t remember it? It certainly shows a tremendous lack of consciousness about being with ME, as opposed to some stranger or one-time partner. I end up feeling like I am irrelevant, simply a handy tool he expects to use to get himself off.
It doesn’t help that he doesn’t floss his teeth regularly and sometimes has bad breath and I therefore don’t feel like kissing him. It doesn’t help that he often has very smelly gas and I lose interest in getting near his behind, which he likes to have stimulated if not penetrated. It doesn’t help that he waits until I am ready to go to sleep after being exhausted by my day before making his request. It doesn’t help that I just don’t have energy a lot of times, or that I am often not feeling that great: the trials and tribulations of having a partner with HIV and HBV, who is seventeen years older, which I am sure is not always fun for him.
We have always had these problems. They have just grown more bothersome with time. I mean, who wants to be in a long-term relationship without sex? Not many people do. He likes to have sex, and I like to make love. He likes to cum, and I like to orgasm. He is in a race to the finish line, and I’m stopping to smell the flowers along the way. The differences seem pretty basic, and they are not conducive to a good sex life.
