"let's talk about sex, baby" (addictions, relationships)
two entries and all if have done is boo-hoo about my financial situation, so i think i'll shift gears for this third time out. i'm sure that you, dear readers, will appreciate that.
i cheated on my boyfriend last night. we have been apart for over two months. i'm in san francisco, my home base, and he is in south america, his home base. i spend a lot of time there, partly because i can't afford to pay rent on my disability income, although i'm here now. (oops, there's that financial shit again.)
i have always felt a little guilty about having sex outside the relationship. at the same time i don't like going without sex. the interesting thing for me since we've been apart this time is that for the first time i haven't felt very driven to look for other sexual outlets. my sex drive is down in general; i'm no spring chicken, and i'm sure my medical issues take their toll. more than that, though, i think it's an emotional thing. for the first time since i began spending more time down there, we are actually doing well. i feel hopeful and positive about the relationship with him in a way that i don't remember feeling for a long, long time.
this disinterest in sex with others was really quite a surprise to me. then i bought some marijuana, always my drug of choice when i want to use an intoxicating substance and also something i use for medical reasons to ease my gastrointestinal distress and my anxieties and to help me sleep. like lots of other folks, i get horny when i smoke. i also tend to want to smoke something else: cigarettes, which i have smoked off and on for years and are truly bad news for everybody, healthwise, but of course are worse for people with my conditions. i began playing around a little with other boys.
last night i wasn't high. in fact, because of this inclination to cheat when using i am seriously thinking about not smoking marijuana any more. the medical benefits never seem to last beyond several weeks and then it's back to status quo. besides that, when i smoke what little i can manage to get done during a normal day often gets undone, because i end up wasting time looking for hook-ups online, playing computer games, spacing out in front of the television, and just being less productive than i might otherwise be. but last night i was horny and decided to go for it. i feel badly about it, for many reasons. nevertheless, it's going to be some time before i can see my man again and like i said, i don't like to do without sex when i am wanting it. after all, it is a basic human drive.
conflicting feelings are never much fun to sort out, are they?
