"breaking the cycle" (sexuality, spirituality, relationships)
i read this today and found it inspirational, and thought i would share it. i know i have felt defensive lately with the friend with whom i am currently staying, so it provided me with some helpful food for thought. i hope it does the same for you:
"My brother asked me why you were such a girl.” My son Jeffrey explained that this comment was made to him by his best friend, Joshua. I was crushed that Josh’s brother (who is also a friend of Jeffrey’s) could be so mean, but I didn’t want my judgment to rub off on Jeffrey, so I calmly asked him how this all happened. He told me that since we had put some Care Bear stickers on his book, Josh’s brother, Drew, saw it and made the comment.
“What did you say when Josh asked you that?” I questioned him, looking for any sign of hurt in his face or voice. Surprisingly, I found no hurt feelings as Jeffrey replied, “Nothing. I’m a boy. I guess those stickers are what girls play with, but I still like them.” Then he went off to play.
Jeffrey didn’t let Drew’s prejudice become his problem. I, on the other hand, was ready to call his parents and “do battle” with this judgmental, intolerant little boy in order to protect my son, but it was clear my son needed no defense. Jeffrey knew who he was and had no need to defend his choices.
In A Course in Miracles it says, “The best defense, as always, is not to attack another’s position but rather to protect the truth.” ( page 36) Jeffrey knew who he was. The Care Bear stickers did not define him nor did a comment by another child. Without knowing it, he simply focused on the truth of who he was and saw no need to attack back.
I have since then learned that Josh and Drew’s dad was homophobic. In comments to me, he has expressed his concern that his boys are not tough enough. My desire to “do battle” was transformed into a desire to be truly helpful. In subtle ways, I have shared my feelings that we, as parents of boys, are here to help them become gentlemen who are secure enough in themselves to be understanding and compassionate. And, most recently, I have seen this dad be very supportive of his son’s choice to take hip hop dance classes and his other son's choice to play with dolls.
Had I taken offense, I would not have experienced this miracle. The Course reminds us that all attack is really self-attack. We do not attack the other person but rather the projection we have placed on the other person. Drew attacked Jeffrey because of the dynamic of projection from his own dad. It really had nothing to do with Jeffrey. Once Drew’s dad could release his fear and focus on acceptance, he no longer needed to project fear onto his son, who then no longer would need to project that fear onto any other child.
If we can realize that all attack, whether it be a subtle snide remark or outright viciousness, is really more about the person making the comment than the person to whom the comment is being addressed, we can break the cycle of fear and attack. Let us protect the truth of who we all are as we affirm, “Spirit am I, a holy Son of God, free of all limits, safe and healed and whole, free to forgive, and free to save the world.” (Lesson 173)
PS: If you would like to read more about this concept, this following link will take you to a very interesting article entitled "The Art of Not Being Offended".
- Beverly Hutchinson McNeff, www.miraclecenter.org
