the adventures of me

i read this today and found it inspirational, and thought i would share it.  i know i have felt defensive lately with the friend with whom i am currently staying, so it provided me with some helpful food for thought.  i hope it does the same for you:

"My brother asked me why you were such a girl.” My son Jeffrey explained that this comment was made to him by his best friend, Joshua. I was crushed that Josh’s brother (who is also a friend of Jeffrey’s) could be so mean, but I didn’t want my judgment to rub off on Jeffrey, so I calmly asked him how this all happened. He told me that since we had put some Care Bear stickers on his book, Josh’s brother, Drew, saw it and made the comment.

“What did you say when Josh asked you that?” I questioned him, looking for any sign of hurt in his face or voice. Surprisingly, I found no hurt feelings as Jeffrey replied, “Nothing. I’m a boy. I guess those stickers are what girls play with, but I still like them.” Then he went off to play.

Jeffrey didn’t let Drew’s prejudice become his problem. I, on the other hand, was ready to call his parents and “do battle” with this judgmental, intolerant little boy in order to protect my son, but it was clear my son needed no defense. Jeffrey knew who he was and had no need to defend his choices.

In A Course in Miracles it says, “The best defense, as always, is not to attack another’s position but rather to protect the truth.” ( page 36) Jeffrey knew who he was. The Care Bear stickers did not define him nor did a comment by another child. Without knowing it, he simply focused on the truth of who he was and saw no need to attack back.

I have since then learned that Josh and Drew’s dad was homophobic. In comments to me, he has expressed his concern that his boys are not tough enough. My desire to “do battle” was transformed into a desire to be truly helpful. In subtle ways, I have shared my feelings that we, as parents of boys, are here to help them become gentlemen who are secure enough in themselves to be understanding and compassionate. And, most recently, I have seen this dad be very supportive of his son’s choice to take hip hop dance classes and his other son's choice to play with dolls.

Had I taken offense, I would not have experienced this miracle. The Course reminds us that all attack is really self-attack. We do not attack the other person but rather the projection we have placed on the other person. Drew attacked Jeffrey because of the dynamic of projection from his own dad. It really had nothing to do with Jeffrey. Once Drew’s dad could release his fear and focus on acceptance, he no longer needed to project fear onto his son, who then no longer would need to project that fear onto any other child.

If we can realize that all attack, whether it be a subtle snide remark or outright viciousness, is really more about the person making the comment than the person to whom the comment is being addressed, we can break the cycle of fear and attack. Let us protect the truth of who we all are as we affirm, “Spirit am I, a holy Son of God, free of all limits, safe and healed and whole, free to forgive, and free to save the world.” (Lesson 173)

PS: If you would like to read more about this concept, this following link will take you to a very interesting article entitled "The Art of Not Being Offended".

- Beverly Hutchinson McNeff, www.miraclecenter.org

Posted by Me at 03:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

two entries and all if have done is boo-hoo about my financial situation, so i think i'll shift gears for this third time out.  i'm sure that you, dear readers, will appreciate that.

i cheated on my boyfriend last night.  we have been apart for over two months.  i'm in san francisco, my home base, and he is in south america, his home base.  i spend a lot of time there, partly because i can't afford to pay rent on my disability income, although i'm here now.  (oops, there's that financial shit again.)

i have always felt a little guilty about having sex outside the relationship.  at the same time i don't like going without sex.  the interesting thing for me since we've been apart this time is that for the first time i haven't felt very driven to look for other sexual outlets.  my sex drive is down in general; i'm no spring chicken, and i'm sure my medical issues take their toll.  more than that, though, i think it's an emotional thing.  for the first time since i began spending more time down there, we are actually doing well.  i feel hopeful and positive about the relationship with him in a way that i don't remember feeling for a long, long time.

this disinterest in sex with others was really quite a surprise to me.  then i bought some marijuana, always my drug of choice when i want to use an intoxicating substance and also something i use for medical reasons to ease my gastrointestinal distress and my anxieties and to help me sleep.  like lots of other folks, i get horny when i smoke.  i also tend to want to smoke something else:  cigarettes, which i have smoked off and on for years and are truly bad news for everybody, healthwise, but of course are worse for people with my conditions.  i began playing around a little with other boys.

last night i wasn't high.  in fact, because of this inclination to cheat when using i am seriously thinking about not smoking marijuana any more.  the medical benefits never seem to last beyond several weeks and then it's back to status quo.  besides that, when i smoke what little i can manage to get done during a normal day often gets undone, because i end up wasting time looking for hook-ups online, playing computer games, spacing out in front of the television, and just being less productive than i might otherwise be.  but last night i was horny and decided to go for it.  i feel badly about it, for many reasons.  nevertheless, it's going to be some time before i can see my man again and like i said, i don't like to do without sex when i am wanting it.  after all, it is a basic human drive.

conflicting feelings are never much fun to sort out, are they?

Posted by Me at 08:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (8)

i am working on getting some more money into my life, and i hope to have some mechanisms in place for that real soon - including figuring out how to get a paypal link on this blog so that i can collect some money from you folks, if you're willing ...

meanwhile, i have these times during the day when my energy crashes.  i quit working a few years ago when, after already cutting my hours way back, i for the first time in my life started feeling like i could just fall right asleep in the middle of the few client meetings i still had each week.  that was no fun.  i know that at least a couple of times my clients noticed, and that was more than embarrassing, not to mention completely unprofessional.

the last couple of days have been like that.  it gets to a point in the middle of the afternoon, after getting a good night's sleep and not doing anything that required much exertion during the day before that, when my energy simply crashes.  i want nothing more than to go to bed and sleep for a couple of hours.  then of course i worry that if i did i wouldn't sleep at night, because i also have periodic problems with insomnia.  so i try to push through it and keep going, however slowly, through the rest of my day.

can i really go back to work, even a handful of hours a week?  i hope so, because i don't know how much longer i can survive on the money i get from the government.  i know i'm not the only one in this position - in fact, considering it's government disability, i know i get more than a lot of other people, although nowhere near the maximum.  then i start feeling like i'm on the pity pot.  but i swear i don't know how other people do it.  true, many of them don't live in one of the most expensive cities in the country, but still ...

Posted by Me at 07:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

it sure is a bitch being poor.  i depend upon the kindness of friends and family to put me up, because plane tickets are cheaper than rent and i can't afford to pay rent on my disability income.  my peeps are all over the country - and the world - so i spend lots of time traveling between their homes.  it looks like a cushy lifestyle to those who don't know any better, and who don't know the stress of not having any place to truly call home.  and after a while it becomes obvious that despite how much my friends and family love me, i have worn out my welcome and i have to move on ... to where?

right now i am at a so-called friend's house which actually used to be my home as well.  we were housemates before i moved out, and later he bought the house from the landlady.  he constantly swears that i can stay here any time for as long as i want, and then when i'm here it becomes obvious that it's a lie.  tonight i came in the door and the first thing he says to me is to ask if i had meant to leave my breakfast dishes out, because he had put them in the dishwasher.  "breakfast dishes?"  then i remembered that i left my cereal bowl and spoon in the sink; i don't know why i put them in the sink instead of the dishwasher in the first place, but i saw them in the sink and apparently forgot to put them away before hustling out the door to take care of my business for the day.  "no, it was just a mistake on my part."  his reply:  "just something stupid".  "what does 'stupid' have to do with it?", i said, avoiding any trace of irritation in my voice.  "it was a simple oversight".

meanwhile, this morning when i saw the kitchen trash can he had left in the middle of the room last night, what did i do?  i put a new bag in it and put it away, not even thinking to mention to him.  i had actually thought about leaving it there, because he is so particular about how things are around the house (part of the reason i moved out when we were housemates) that i always feel a bit nervous about arranging even things that seem to me to obviously in need of arranging.  of course, i have done numerous things around the house since i've been here, both things that he has asked me to do and things that he has not requested and usually not noticed, either - including putting lots of his dishes in the dishwasher, not to mention giving him money for utilities.

what kind of ugly comment was that?  people can be so petty.  i have to figure out how to get more money in my pocket so i can get my own place again.  i'm tired of being homeless.

Posted by Me at 06:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)